I’ve always felt things deeply.
Even as a kid, my emotions were too big for the room most of the time. But instead of being taught how to hold or process those emotions, I learned to manage them quietly… privately… through writing and music.
Writing became my release valve, and angst-heavy rock music the voice my soul couldn’t express. I dumped the tangled emotions that didn’t have a home anywhere else on page after page after page.
It was the one way I could exhale the self-hatred and rage inside and move forward.
But recently, especially over the past few weeks, I realized something hard:
I’m not as “finished” in my healing journey as I thought I was.
There are still layers buried under the surface, and they’re surfacing in ways I didn’t expect.
Being in a different country, outside my usual surroundings and rhythms, shook things up in ways I didn’t expect. Even as I took in the beauty around me, I was facing the return of things I thought I’d already healed…
When Emotional Constipation Becomes a Cycle
Here’s the pattern I noticed:
I feel emotionally blocked for a while. Frustrated, overwhelmed, moody, full of rage, and hating myself and making my poor husband’s life miserable.
Eventually, I sit down and write, and like magic… that pressure release valve is open.
I cry. I process. I feel better. I move on.
But then I go right back into life believing that I’ve overcome.
Back into showing up.
Back into doing all the things I’m called to do.
Until the next wave comes and I find myself blocked all over again.
It’s like emotional constipation.
Relief… tension… build-up… release… repeat.
I used to think the problem was the buildup. But now I’m starting to see something deeper:
What if the real issue isn’t that I feel too much, but that I still don’t feel safe being fully seen?
The Feelings I Thought I “Dealt With”
While I’ve done a lot of healing—inner work, prayer, forgiveness, surrender—I realize that healing isn’t one-and-done. It’s not a checkmark.
Some wounds thaw out slowly.
Some layers don’t rise until you’re ready to hold them.
Some patterns wait for the right environment to reveal themselves.
And, I believe God allows this for our protection.
Knowing how painful healing can be, if everything was exposed at once, our nervous systems could potentially “fry” from the overload.
So while it sucks to feel as though I’m circling my “wilderness” time and time again, I’m grateful for God’s grace and lovingkindness and can grab hold of the promises in Proverbs 15:24, “ The way of life winds upward for the wise.”
On this trip, things resurfaced:
Bitterness, I thought I let go of.
Pride, I thought I laid down.
Resentment I thought I had processed.
Old questions about identity, worth, and direction.
And underneath all of it? A quiet ache:
“Am I actually living up to who I’m called to be? Am I where I “should” be after 41 years of life?”
I look at my life, and I see so many beautiful blessings God has given me.
Gifts. Opportunities. Grace.
And yet… there are days when my heart feels heavy and flat.
Days when I feel like I’m underperforming in every area of my life.
Days when, despite everything I have, I don’t feel okay.
And the shame creeps in:
You should be grateful.
You should be past this.
You shouldn’t feel this way anymore.
But I’m learning to meet those thoughts with something gentler:
God’s not ashamed of my emotions. He wants my honesty, not my performance.
Why God Isn’t Rushing My Healing
This is the part I’m holding onto tightly right now:
God will not allow me to become someone in the spotlight if I haven’t grounded my identity in Him first.
Not to punish me.
But to protect me.
Because the truth is, if my identity is still tethered to performance or perception, the weight of being seen will crush me.
I’ll bend myself to what people want instead of staying rooted in what God says.
I’ll spiral every time the emotions rise, thinking they disqualify me instead of pointing me back to Him.
So maybe what feels like a delay… is actually kindness.
Maybe this season of uncovering and unraveling is His mercy.
Because He wants all of me, not just the curated version I’ve been taught to present.
It’s Okay to Feel Big Things
This post isn’t tied up with a perfect bow.
I’m still walking it out and learning to express my emotions verbally with my husband instead of internalizing everything.
But here’s what I want you to know if you’re walking through something similar:
It’s okay to feel big things.
It’s okay to be the strong one who sometimes breaks down.
It’s okay to love your life and still wrestle with heaviness.
It’s okay to be in process.
If you’ve spent most of your life performing or protecting other people from your full emotional self, I see you.
And I am you.
Healing doesn’t happen when we keep hiding.
Healing happens when we stop running from what’s surfacing… and let God meet us right there.
In the sadness.
In the anger.
In the questions.
In the quiet ache we’re scared to name.
Because He’s not waiting for us to be less sensitive.
He’s inviting us to be honest.
Closing Words
If your emotions feel messy right now…
If your heart is tender and your healing feels unfinished…
Take a breath.
Your body, your mind, and your spirit are not betraying you.
They’re just letting you know: something in you is ready to be seen.
You don’t need to figure it all out today.
You don’t need to rush your way back to “normal.”
You just need to keep showing up to the process, to the truth, and to the God who’s not afraid of your depth because He crafted you so beautifully.
Because here’s what I do know for sure:
Your story isn’t falling apart. It’s unfolding layer by layer.
And you are allowed to feel every part of it.
